Three days ago, my mother told me that her mammogram came back positive. She had known about it about a week before and didn’t tell me because of her 61st birthday celebration she had with me and my family. She had called me on my cell phone during my walk home from work. I knew something was wrong by the way she answered the phone. First, I thought she had some bad news about my family in NY. She revealed to me that she might have breast cancer. There were plans to get a second set of tests done to confirm the first checkup. It is now Day 3 and I have yet to hear any more news on this matter. However, I am finding myself in a mixed bag on emotions with little to no focus on what or where to go from here. The waiting is so far the worst part of this dilemma.
On Day 1, after I picked up my kids from the in-laws, I waited until my wife came home from work. I wanted to tell her in person rather than a phone call or a text. While the impact hit her more, I was still trying to gather some type of feeling. Perhaps it was denial on my part because of the treatment options that I knew that were out there to treat my mother’s illness. Besides, my grandmother also had breast cancer, survived, and died in her 80’s. So being that my mother is in her early 60’s, I am counting on our family genes to once get use through this point in our lives.
At times, there are signs that show up in my life that this wannabe screenwriter must keep in mind on how to write a scene – show don’t tell about how I felt at the moment. The next morning, after a doctor’s appointment, I had to drive to a meeting at another library. Going over an overpass, there was a sharp incline and out of the horizon, there was a cross that appeared to me. I had turned my back on religion because I learned about the hypocricy and the things people do in the name of religion. I do believe in a higher power and that we are nothing more than energy that will be changed into another form. We can never be destroyed. Yet, this cross symbol hit me very hard. I had almost pulled into the church but this was not the time for me to go.
Later, going back to my home library branch, there was an art exhibition that was being prepped for an event. The artwork was very much based on images from the holocaust with a piece of poetry for each print. As those who were setting up for this event, they played the powerpoint presentation with music as a dry run. The music oddly enough was from Platoon; very downbeat. At almost the exact moment, there was a display case that walked past that had books about cancer. Once again, the writer in me could not have written a better scene of show don’t tell. And once again, I felt crushed and in pain as I had to keep this inside.
As I look back the past several days, I need to prepare myself for my mother. I need to be not only there physically but emotionally. I started today at looking for information. This will be my first line of action. I need to be informed. For gods sake, I work at a library and have access to tons of reliable information. In the process, something dawned on me. Since I did a 6 mile walk for the March of Dimes back in 2005, I’m planning on doing something similar with Susan G. Komen in 2009. It’s a start. A direction. A goal. Just something to focus on until I know more.
Lastly, why am I posting something like this on my scifi blog? I have grown to appreciate my geekness. To see life through scifi glasses, I am constantly using scifi characters and metaphors to explain many of my feelings and views. Some get me by what I’m trying to say and on the other hand, I get the look over what the hell are you talking about. The situation with my mom, I saw the correlation of Laura Roslin on BSG who was the dying President who also had breast cancer. Spoiler Alert – While she ultimately met her end; she fought a brave fight that extended her life beyond the one year diagnoses. Can life imitate art? Where can I find some half human, half cylon blood for a transfusion? Of course, my friend Mr. Gene will not understand this reference as he has yet to see any BSG to date.
But seriously, the reason for this entry and future ones is to help me get the things that I keep bottled up out of me. Yes, I do have close friends and family but for me, I need this creative outlet for the times they are not around. I have used blogs to help me with my learning on creating a websites and this is no different. This is yet again another milestone in my life. There are too many to go over right now but maybe in the future. I’m getting a bit tired of writing but I think this is a good start for now.
Thanks to all you have wished me well. May we all find the strength to get through our darkest days now and forever.