As the Michael Scott (Steve Carrell) era comes to a close in the near future, I’m sure we can all relate to bosses who just generally sucked day in and day out or worse. This led me to start thinking about bosses in the genre that I love; SCIFI. Who are the real standouts when it comes to the boss of bosses? If you thought your boss was hard to work for try working with those below. (A word of caution, I’m cursing more than usual in this blog. Ye have been warned.)
Emperor Palpatine (Star Wars) – Is there a more wretched hive of scum and villainy? Yes and it’s name is Emperor Palpatine. Talk about being a non team player and backstabber.
Poor Count Dooku did the bidding for Palpatine for many years only to find himself beheaded Gladiator style. So, there’s a job opening, Annie! So foolish Anakin takes his rightful place after slaughtering all the youngling Jedis. And how does Palpatine reward his new lacky when Obi-Wan beat down Skywalker? Annie gets a new suit, impressive, and new arms and legs; most impressive. Plus, a new shiny hat which will smell like ass down the road. When Annie now Darth Vader asked what happened to Padme, the Palpatine lied to him and said that he killed her. Unable to wipe his tears from his helmet, Vader utters no again and again. Meanwhile, Palpatine smirks like the devil and could almost feel a Mutley laugh coming. Yes, Palpatine is a dick.
Gilbert Huph (The Incredibles) – When I used to work as a stage manager for a table top commercial production house, there was a producer who the crew affectionately called Tippy or Tip for short. The producer was not very tall but very big in attitude and condescending of other peoples’ shortcomings. Basically, Tip stood for “Tiny Insignificant Prick.” Flash to Mr. Huph the boss of Mr. Incredible, I mean, Bob Parr, at Insuracare. Mr. Huph is also not a very tall man and his love for the Insuracare’s bottom line is reprehensible. As seen in the movie, Mr. Huph has no problems in belittling those who he oversees. This would lead one to believe that he was sexually abused by his uncle who was an accountant. Mr. Huph, tell the police where on this business ledger did your uncle touch you.
Jabba The Hutt (Star Wars) – I want to be the head of this organization where I can dress up a princess in slave outfit and have a muppet for a little buddy; I want that gig. Jabba is the big cheese or the big slug in the crime syndicate underworld. Still to this day, I’m not sure how this fat bastard amassed so much power and wealth. I mean, how much money did have to get the huge ass Rancor in his basement and then willy nilly offs Oola the Twi’lek because she didn’t shake her tentacles the right way. Jabba sure has a lot of balls or least a lot of something like… balls.
Future Guy from the 28th Century (Enterprise) – How many times did you have a boss where he told you to do x, y, and z and I’m going to be out of the office? Those who watched Enterprise, I’m sorry, can generated a soft spot for the Suliban. These made up creatures with no back history suddenly came into Trek’s existences; may be the Future Guy’s help and maybe not. Sure, FT, Future Guy sounds stupid by now, gave the Suliban technology and genetic upgrades to do FT’s bidding. It’s amazing how much faith the Suliban are placing on FT since this really amounts to Moses talking to God a burning bush. Here’s the a conversation between two Sulibans:
Suliban #1 – Hey did you hear the good news?
Suliban # 2 – What good news?
Suliban # 1 – Future Guy is going to help us.
Suliban # 2 – (pause) What’s a future guy?
Suliban # 1 – He’s someone from the 28th century that needs our help.
Suliban # 2 – (pause) Right and what does he look like?
Suliban #1 – Well?!? He… He… looks tall.
Suliban # 2 – You know that’s Henry screwing with you, right? You’re a suli-tard.
Walter Skinner (X-Files) – Here is a man that looked down on Fox Mulder on his beliefs in UFOs. Like Mulder, I and countless others also believe that the truth is also out there. So in many ways, Skinner is also looking down on us.
He is the type of man that will tell you in front of the other co-workers to take your toys off your desk. When you try to explain to him that these are not toys but action figures, he gives you that stare that scares the living soul out of you. It’s that same stare that he is giving you right now as you are reading this. Dude, stop reading this. He’s gonna fire you and then kick your ass in the parking lot. Word of caution, never fuck with a balding man. We ain’t got nothing to lose.
Mr. Montgomery Burn (The Simpsons) – Ah, yes; my namesake. Charles Montgomery Burns is probably the most vile and greedy husk of a man but you gotta love him. How low in the totem pole of being the most hate man in all the world do you have to be where a baby almost shoots you dead. Nevertheless, this is someone who chooses to work hard to stick it to the small guy or that fat guy that like donuts. Whether he is disregarding public safety or releasing the hounds, all one could say is that Montgomery is pure E-V-I-L. Excellent!
Zapp Branigan (Futurama) – In a far, far future from now, there is no worse leader of men than our own Captain Zapp.
Brannigan is a senior member of the military of the Democratic Order of Planets (D.O.O.P.) though his title varies; he has been referred to as a “25 star General“, Captain, Rear Brigadier, “General Major Webelo“, Christopher Rossi, and Commodore 64. He is arrogant, incompetent, chauvinistic, cocky, vain, and painfully stupid.
For god’s man, he’s not wearing any pants. How wrong is that???
Honorable Mention Quintus Lentulus Batiatus (Spartacus). Many thanks goes out to my Domina, V who kept bugging me to what this series and wow, why did I wait so long? Super props to John Hannah who has brought such a passion and vigor to the role originally played by Peter Ustinov. If you have not watch Spartacus: Blood and Sand and Gods of the Arena, do yourself a favor watch it now. Aside from seeing Xena’s (Lucy Lawless) boobies, heeheeheehee, and the constant sausage shots, AAARRRGGGHHHH, watching John utter lines like, “Once again the Gods spread the cheeks to ram cock in fucking ass,” is not only funny as shit but so true to his nature. Batiatus wants so much to be much greater than what he is right now and is willing to play the game. While his ultimate doom is seen at the end of the first series, we really get a great sense of a man coming into his own and despite numerous setbacks.